Sometimes Is Now
by BLallittoMD
Summary: The change in her demeanor was evident; she looked more animated than she had in months. Buffy/Angel
1. Alone

**_Author's Note_: Hey, everyone! So this is my first multi-chapter story. My goal is to update at least once a week, maybe more depending on how much schoolwork I have. The story is set after _Chosen_, and about a month after the _Angel _series finale. Flashbacks are in italics.**

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**Sometimes Is Now**

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The lush English countryside sprawled out before her, mesmerizing her with its simplistic beauty. Horses grazed on a nearby hillside, their soft whinnies the only sound disturbing the serene silence. The glow of a setting sun illuminated the picturesque scene, casting vermilion hues over its observer. A casual expression of a wish to see the country which had borne such a formidable man had prompted Giles to schedule a trip to England, and the two of them had spent an enjoyable week taking in the sights. Now she stood alone, Giles being out catching up with a former acquaintance, relishing the solitude.

It had been too long since she had been afforded the luxury of peace and quiet. Ever since she had put an end to Sunnydale's Hellmouth, she had not had a moment's rest, what with locating all of the newly minted Slayers and readying them for confrontations with Evil. Somehow, the bulk of this had landed on her, although she would have appreciated a break from all things supernatural for a spell. Before the trip, she had been exhausted, rapidly approaching the breaking point. Giles had foreseen this, and had wisely insisted on the trip. She was infinitely glad.

She waited until the last rays had been swallowed up by the darkness before heading back to her hotel. Her mind kept replaying the events leading up to her acceptance of Giles' offer of an impromptu vacation. It had been a rough couple of weeks, but she was hopeful that this outing would prove much more than a welcome reprieve from her troubles. She was counting on finding some answers in good old England. She prayed she was right.

* * *

"_You haven't heard from her?" Willow inquired, a troubled, sympathetic look gracing her features. _

_Buffy shook her head, sweeping her hand through her hair in a frustrated gesture. "I can't deal with her outburst right now. I just don't have the energy to placate her anymore, or the willingness for that matter." _

_Willow sighed. "Buffy, don't say that." _

_Buffy looked pained. "Say what? The truth? I can't help that I don't feel a bond anymore. It's not as if I wanted for this to happen, but it did, and she has to accept it. There's only so much I can do for her, so much that I _want _to do." _

_She directed her gaze to the window, a distant look in her eyes. "I know you can't understand how it feels, and you're just trying to help. All of you, you're so busy worrying about her that you're forgetting about me. Nobody's worrying about how _I'm_ feeling, or what _I'm_ going through. Nobody can possibly understand how it feels. I'm alone in this. Once again, I'm alone."_

* * *

When Buffy entered her hotel room, Giles was sitting up in his bed, reading the latest issue of _Time Magazine_. Casting her jacket and shoes aside, she plopped down in an armchair and proceeded to count the ceiling tiles. At length, she spoke.

"So how did your get-together go?"

Giles looked up from his magazine, registering Buffy's presence. "Bloody awful," he replied, chuckling lightly. "Only a few minutes served to trigger the memory of how much I used to hate that person."

Buffy never took her gaze off the ceiling. "Serves you right for forgetting the person's existence in the first place."

Giles raised an eyebrow, amused and slightly concerned. He was unsure if her comment had any relation to the recent happenings in her life, but chose to ignore the possibility. "Is there something fascinating about the ceiling that I should know about?"

Buffy tore her gaze from the ceiling and faced Giles, looking sheepish. "Sorry," she muttered.

"What's on your mind?" Giles queried softly.

Buffy inwardly sighed. Her eyes watered imperceptibly. "I'm tired of being alone." Loneliness had been on her mind too often of late, and it had affected her greatly. She had become more introverted, wearier, and the smallest things saddened her. Being alone seemed to be a theme in her life, and she was tired of it.

Gently laying down his magazine, Giles devoted his full attention to Buffy. "You're not alone, Buffy. I'll always be here for you."

Buffy smiled thinly. "Thanks, but you're not exactly boyfriend material."

"You'll find someone eventually," Giles consoled, removing his glasses and placing them on the nightstand.

"But that's just it," Buffy sighed, frustrated. "I don't just want to find _someone_. I want _The _One. I'm ready to settle down, be happy. I want the story to be 'Buffy and (insert guy's name here) defeat the Evil together,' not 'Buffy once again solves the problem alone.'"

Giles' expression softened. "Don't lose hope," he counseled. "When the time is right, he will come to you. I'm sure of it. You deserve as much."

Buffy's smile grew just a tad. "Thank you," she said, genuinely grateful for his fatherly affection. She knew that Giles would always be there to love her, if no one else. The thought warmed her a little. Stretching her limbs, she rose from the chair, suddenly restless.

"All this serious talk has made me antsy. I think I'll go stretch my legs, maybe grab a cup of coffee."

Giles tilted his head in acknowledgement. "Very well then. I'll see you in a bit."

Buffy lifted her hand in a wave. "Sounds good. Just…don't wait up, okay? I might be a little while."

Giles affected a nod, and Buffy turned, striding out of the room.

* * *

The café was dimly lit, creating a mood of ambiance. There were few people present, in part due to the lateness of the hour. Light chatter mixed with low musical tones floated across the room of the otherwise tranquil café, suiting Buffy's reflective mood perfectly. She sat at a secluded table near the back, nursing her cup of coffee and staring down at the table. The surrounding sounds faded as she became lost in her memories, her mind examining her past and comparing it to her current state. How was it that her reward for saving the world countless times was spending the remainder of her existence waiting for Mr. Right to finally show up? Shouldn't they be together by now? Willow had reunited with Oz, Faith and Robin Wood were going steady. Heck, even Dawn had finally found a boyfriend. Why was it that she had drawn the short straw? What was it that she was doing wrong?

"Is this seat taken?"

A warm, familiar voice roused her from her musings, and Buffy glanced up from the table, hardly daring to believe the sight of the man smiling down at her. He must have been real, for he laid his hand on her shoulder and gently applied some pressure. Buffy broke out into a grin, her eyes sparkling with pleasure. She uttered his name to reassure herself of his presence.

"Angel?"


	2. Hopeful

**_Author's Note_: Thank you for all of the wonderful reviews! I really appreciate it. So Chapter 2 is finally here. It picks up where Chapter 1 left off. Flashbacks are in italics.**

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The music had changed from ambient to sultry, and the customers had long since dwindled to a mere few. All of this was lost on Buffy, however; her attention lay with the devilishly handsome man currently seated across from her at the small round table. She was awash in feelings of relief and anticipation, relief being decidedly predominant. Only a month ago, she had believed Angel to be dead. She hadn't heard from him in a good while, and he hadn't sought her out after the apocalypse in L.A. The simple fact of knowing he was alive and well had lifted a huge weight she didn't even know she had had.

"So what are you doing in England, anyways?" she asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

Angel lowered his coffee cup onto the table. "I'm here to see one of my former contacts. He said he was in a little bit of trouble, and was convinced I could help him get out of it."

The smile she had worn since his arrival remained plastered on Buffy's face. Angel regarded her curiously, and she blushed, slightly embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," she apologized laughingly. "I still can't believe you're actually sitting here with me. I wasn't sure if you had made it out of L.A. alive."

Angel reached out for Buffy's hand from across the table. He looked at her apologetically. "I was going to come and see you as soon as it was over. I was on my way when I got a call from my contact, which couldn't wait. I should have called, but I wanted to see you in person."

"All that matters is that you're here now," Buffy declared, her mind focusing on the soothing circles Angel was drawing on her hand with his thumb.

Before the silence could undergo the transition from comfortable to awkward, Angel remembered to ask Buffy what her business in England was.

"Just here to see the sights," she shrugged. Receiving a dubious look from Angel, she rolled her eyes. "Alright, _maybe_ I needed an escape from all of the pressures back in Scotland," she admitted. "Things have been a little strained of late, especially around the time before I left."

Angel began to fidget nervously. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, working up the courage to ask the question that had been on his mind since first spying Buffy at the back of the cafe.

"Are you here with someone?"

Buffy, catching on to his underlying meaning, turned playful. "Oh, yes," she answered dreamily. "He's extremely smart, and quite dashing in the looks department."

Noting Angel's uncomfortable appearance, she laughed openly. "Relax, Angel," she teased. "I'm here with Giles."

At that, Angel joined in her laughter. The laughter went on for a while, until Buffy, realizing the hour, composed herself.

"It's getting late," she admitted, "and I should probably get back to the hotel before Giles has a major freak." She gazed at Angel, a hopeful note to her tone. "Will I be seeing you again?"

Angel smiled at her question. "Come to dinner with me tomorrow night. It'll give us a chance to talk some more."

Nodding happily, Buffy rose from the table, heading towards the exit. Recalling something, she turned and regarded Angel curiously.

"You never mentioned what kind of trouble your contact was in?"

"I'll let you know when it's taken care of," he answered cryptically.

He was being evasive, and she knew it. Deciding to ignore it for the present, she said her goodbyes and walked out into the night.

* * *

"_You can't leave now!" Willow pleaded hysterically. "What if she calls?"_

_Buffy placed the remaining suitcase in the trunk beside its counterparts, closing the lid with a dull _thud_. "Tell her I'll be away for a while, and I'll deal with her when I get back." _

_Xander laid his hand on Buffy's shoulder, attempting to reason with her. "Buff, maybe it's just not the right time to be gallivanting about England with Watcher-Man."_

_The condescending tone of Xander's voice aggravated Buffy beyond belief. Did they think she hadn't thought this through? That she was just being reckless? _

"_Will there ever be a right time?" she questioned, daring them to reply. "There's always something that I have to deal with, and there always will be. Right now, I need a break. It's what I _need_. I hope you guys can understand that."_

_Xander lowered his gaze, properly ashamed. Willow nodded comprehendingly. _

"_You're right. You deserve a break. We can hold down the fort."_

"_Ya," Xander added, "don't worry about us. You should enjoy yourself while you can. Just know that we'll always be here for you if you need us, Buffy."_

_Buffy smiled sadly. She embraced Willow and Xander, holding on tightly. "I hope you're right."_

* * *

The morning was a balmy and cloudless one. The restaurant seemed quaint and inviting. Giles was seated at an outside table, buttering a roll, when Buffy met him for breakfast.

"Morning Giles!" she greeted cheerily, taking the seat across from him.

"Well good morning, Buffy," Giles returned the greeting. "You were out awfully late last night, and I've been itching to know what you were up to. I assume it was more than stretching your legs?"

Buffy scoffed. "Well I would have told you last night if you hadn't been asleep when I got back. Or this morning if you hadn't disappeared once I woke up."

Giles rolled his eyes. "Are you going to share or not?" He took a bite out of his roll.

Buffy grabbed a roll for herself and proceeded to slice it open. "I had coffee with someone is all."

Giles chewed thoughtfully. "Really? Who?"

Buffy bit her bottom lip, hesitant to reveal the identity of her coffee date. "Oh, you know, Angel."

Bits of roll shot out of Giles' mouth as he coughed in surprise. "Angel?" he exclaimed, caught off guard.

"Giles, talking with your mouth full, kind of gross." She waited for him to swallow before continuing. "Yes, Angel. Turns out he's not dead after all."

Giles looked at her skeptically. "And what did the two of you discuss?"

"Not much." Buffy's face lit up. "He's taking me to dinner tonight so we can talk more." Her face suddenly turned serious. "Which is kind of odd, considering vampires don't eat." Buffy looked pensive. "Maybe he's trying new things. Or maybe he isn't planning on eating at all. Maybe he just expects me to eat."

Panic flashed across Buffy's features. "I can't eat while he just sits there watching! It would be weird, and I would look totally rude, and…"

"Buffy," Giles interjected, interrupting her minor freak out. She stared at him, disconcerted. "I hope you have a nice time tonight."

The look on Buffy's face was even more perplexed. "You're not upset about this? You don't have the urge to tell me I'm making a terrible decision that'll most likely end in world peril?"

Giles laughed softly. "Buffy," he reassured. "I trust you. I trust your instincts. If you think having dinner with Angel is the right thing to do, then it is. If it makes you happy, then I can do nothing but approve."

Touched by his unwavering faith in her, Buffy smiled broadly. "Thanks," she replied, affected. "I think that's what I needed to hear."

"You are most welcome."

Conversation took a brief pause as a waitress came over to take their orders. Some minutes after she had left, Giles inquired as to the reason for Angel's presence in England. Angel's evasive manner the previous evening surged forth in Buffy's mind. He had seemed reluctant to give too many details regarding his business here. She told Giles what she knew, leaving out anything that would make Angel appear suspect.

Before she could continue on her darker train of thought, it was interrupted by a more pressing question.

"Giles?" Buffy asked sheepishly. "Do you think Angel will be eating?"


	3. Anticipation

_**Author's Note**_**: I apologize _profusely _for the wait. I got swamped with schoolwork, which I've only just recently finished. Thanks again for the reviews, they make me smile like nothing else. I've already started on the next chapter, so it shouldn't be too long before I post it.**

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_What am I going to wear?_

The thought had been running through her mind since the clock had announced it to be 4pm. Clothes were strewn across the hotel room; dresses and halter-tops lay haphazardly on the bed, and an assortment of dressy pants and jeans were collected in a pile by the closet. She had absolutely no idea where her dinner date with Angel was supposed to take place. She only knew that he would be meeting her in the lobby of her hotel at sundown, which he had called out to her as she was leaving the café.

She yanked a sparkling blue halter-top off of the bed and held it against herself in front of the mirror. Clearly dissatisfied, she tossed it aside and reached for a short red cocktail dress. She was having an increasingly difficult time deciding on an outfit. She was out of practice; she hadn't needed to dress up for somebody in months. She found that she missed the excitement of dating, the anticipation of an appraising glance. Discarding the red dress, she shook her head, indecision making her antsy. She certainly didn't miss the mind-numbing panic brought on by the desire of making a good impression.

She tried to tell herself that it was just another date. She had gone on plenty of dates before; this one shouldn't be any different. It didn't work; she couldn't fool herself. Tonight wasn't simply a date. Tonight was potentially the deciding moment in the future of her relationship status.

With a sigh of desperation, she headed for the closet and began rummaging through its contents in the vain hopes of finding an outfit she might have missed during her original perusal. It was going to be a long while until sundown.

--

Hordes of people passed her by as she waited in the lobby, but they were indistinguishable, blurring together until they simply melted into the background. She was only interested in one individual, but she had yet to spot him. A swarm of butterflies fluttered incessantly in her stomach, causing her to fidget with her ring, spinning it repeatedly round her finger.

"Get a grip, Buffy," she muttered under her breath, attempting to calm her fraught nerves. She turned her head to the door of the hotel once more, and inhaled sharply, the breath stolen from her lungs.

There was Angel, looking more handsome than she remembered possible. He strode into the lobby, his commanding presence the focus of quite a few gazes. His eyes scanned the room before finally settling on her, their sparkling intensity sending the butterflies in her stomach into a whirlwind. Her knees buckled slightly, and if it weren't for the support of the pillar against her back, she wasn't sure she would have been able to remain upright. Her breath caught in her throat; she swallowed in an attempt to regain her power of speech.

He was making his way towards her now. She shook off her remaining nerves and straightened up, meaning to meet him with some ounce of composure.

Angel was before her now, all smiles and ease.

"Hi," he said softly, the sound of his voice a caress.

Composure flew out of the window; she was certain his greeting had reduced her to a pile of mush.

"Hey," she returned, aiming for casual, but sounding more like gushing.

"You look wonderful," he complimented, giving her an appreciative glance.

After hours of deliberation, she had settled on a satin purple dress with a halter neckline, which fell just above her knees. Her tousled blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders, neatly framing her face.

"So do you." Her reply was simple, to the point. It was an excellent cover for the turbulent emotions swelling in her breast.

Angel's smile widened. "Shall we go?" he asked, extending his hand.

She stared at his hand as if it were a sacred object, debating whether to take hold of it. At length, she looked up, her eyes bespeaking a newly found confidence. Her smile was dazzling as she carefully placed her slender hand in his.

"I'm ready. Let's go."

--

The night air was chilly, nipping at her cheeks, but Buffy barely took any notice. How could one notice much of anything when there was a man such as Angel in one's vicinity? She strode alongside him, her thoughts not extending much beyond _Angel's actually here with me _and _I wonder where he's taking me_. Rounding their fourth corner, she voiced the latter thought.

"So where exactly are you taking me?"

A brief chuckle escaped Angel's throat. "It's a surprise," he teased, well aware that she didn't cope well with surprises.

Buffy rolled her eyes in an exaggerated manner. "Of course it is. I should have known I wouldn't get an answer. After all, I am talking to Cryptic Guy."

Angel scoffed, slightly put off by the comment. "This is not about being cryptic. This has nothing to do with cryptic. Does everything I do have to be cryptic?"

Buffy laughed at his disconcertion. "Jeez, I didn't think you'd take the name to heart. Remind me to skip the name-calling the next time we go out."

It was a mere slip of the tongue, but as soon as she spoke the words, she longed to retract them. Their first date hadn't even commenced, and already she was suggesting a 'next time.' She feared she was being too bold; she stole a few glances at Angel to gauge his reaction to her insinuation.

She had nothing to fear; Angel didn't seem to have picked up on it.

"It's okay," he replied, ignoring her latter statement. A mischievous glint appeared in his eyes. "I only decided to make it a surprise because I knew how much not knowing where we were going would bug you."

Buffy gasped in annoyed shock. Here she was, freaking out over two little words, and they hadn't even registered with him. She swatted at Angel's arm, a mock pout forming on her lips. Angel laughed at her antics, secretly pleased to have anticipated her reaction. Even after all this time, he still felt he knew her inside and out.

The two walked on in comfortable silence, occasionally remarking on the beauty of their surroundings. Buffy was still preoccupied with the implications of her earlier words, and failed to notice they had arrived at their destination.

Coming to a sudden stop, Angel pointed in the direction of a warmly lit restaurant.

"Here we are," he declared, turning to better take in Buffy's reaction.

Cocking her head to the left, Buffy contemplated the appearance of the restaurant. The intimate lighting, the close proximity of the diners… _Yep_, she thought, _much more than a simple date_. Shifting her gaze to Angel, she allowed a giddy grin to grace her features.

"You sure know how to treat a girl, huh?"

Angel's grin matched her own. Obviously pleased with her reaction, he laid a hand on the small of her back and proceeded to guide her to the entrance of the restaurant. The previously dormant butterflies swirled furiously, bouncing off of the walls of her stomach, and she couldn't ascertain whether this was due to her excitement concerning the possibilities of the evening, or the strategic placement of Angel's hand.


	4. Memories

**_AN_: I know, I suck. I had seriously planned to update last week, but anyways. The update is here now, and it's my longest chapter to date, so I hope that makes up for the wait. Thanks as always to my reviewers. Enjoy the chapter! Flashbacks are in italics.**

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**

Buffy couldn't believe it. She had successfully made it inside the restaurant, had even gone so far as to seat herself at their table, and nothing disastrous had occurred. She had half expected the restaurant to burst into flames or be held up by a gang of vampires. It would have been very symbolic. She was slightly thrown off; surely something would go horribly wrong. Horribly wrong she could handle; perfectly normal was uncharted waters. She was worried that she wouldn't remember how to behave in a mundane situation, that she would royally mess up and be stuck living with a bunch of cats for the remainder of her existence. Then she remembered that Angel was no expert on normal either, and she visibly relaxed. She could do this; she could survive this evening.

Letting out a reassuring breath, she glanced at Angel, smiling warmly. He was staring at her with what appeared to be intense concentration. She laughed nervously at his scrutiny.

"What is it?" she asked, puzzled as to the reason behind his gaze.

Angel shook his head in apparent wonder. "It's nothing," he muttered. Buffy looked at him skeptically. "It's just… You look different. There's something different about you, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is."

Buffy shrugged nonchalantly. "Maybe it's my eyeliner. I'm trying a new shade…"

"No, it's nothing like that," Angel cut her off abruptly. "I'll let you know when I have an idea."

"Okay then," Buffy replied, suddenly self-conscious. Had she changed in some way? Had the past month affected her so greatly, damaged her in some way, that she had become altered, and it had simply escaped her notice? Was she different? Was it a good different, a bad different?

"How's life in Scotland?"

The question caught her off guard, jolting her back to reality. She hesitated, not sure how to respond. To him, it was a simple formality, an expression of interest in her affairs. To her, it was a heavily loaded question. Where should she start? What should she say?

"For starters, my house has become host to a regular couples-fest."

She must have said the right thing, for her comment earned a chuckle from Angel. "Really?" he said, amusement in his voice.

Buffy sighed exaggeratedly. "Really. If I'm not walking in on Faith and Robin going at it half-naked on the living-room couch, I'm accidentally catching Willow and Oz in a full-blown make-out session on the bathroom floor. I had to get out of there." She took a sip of her wine.

Angel furrowed his brow. "Robin's the principal, right?"

Buffy muttered a low _mmm_ of agreement between gulps. "Ya. He and Faith have been together since we left Sunnydale. I'm surprised that she didn't dump him off a year ago."

"Well, people change," Angel replied casually. There was that theme again: change. Had he changed, the way she had? Were they two totally different people from the ones who had parted ways in a cemetery what seemed like forever ago? Had they changed so much that they didn't fit together anymore?

Buffy attempted to shake off the cloud of deep thought floating through her brain. She wanted to focus on the present. Angel was asking her another question, something about her meeting up with Oz again. Her brain struggled to formulate an answer.

"It's a funny story, actually. I was grocery shopping with Xander, and he just had to have this specific kind of Fruit Roll-Ups. I tried to tell him that they probably didn't even exist in Scotland, but he just wouldn't let it go. So here I am, searching every isle for these Fruit Roll-Ups, when I bump into someone. Turns out it was Oz. I asked him if he wanted to see Willow, brought him over to the house, and…"

Angel's eyes crinkled with laughter. "Grocery shopping with Xander, huh?"

Buffy couldn't help but laugh. "_Never_ again."

A lull in conversation followed. Buffy's spirits were raised. She was starting to feel at ease, happy to put her worries aside for one night and just bask in the feelings of peace and contentment resulting from being with Angel. She was reflecting on the meaning of this when Angel spoke up.

"How's Dawn?"

The change in demeanor was instantaneous. Buffy became noticeably rigid. Her face went blank, her complexion paling slightly. Peace and contentment were quickly replaced with perturbation and discomfort.

"What do you mean?" she asked stiffly.

Angel blinked twice, suddenly suspicious. "You haven't mentioned her since yesterday. How's she doing?"

The question sounded all too familiar. It had been all she had heard for the past month. Something inside of her snapped. Her expression turned harsh.

"Why does everybody worry so much about Dawn? No matter what happens, everyone's always more concerned about Dawn's feelings! What about how I'm doing? What about my feelings? Do they mean nothing?"

Seeing that Buffy was fast approaching hysterical, Angel began repeating her name, louder each time, until he caught her attention. He had been wondering what was different about her; now he knew that it was something that had happened to her. Something she was not sharing. He looked at her, really looked. She had stopped her rant. She was breathing hard, and there was something haunted about her eyes. He had to get her to talk.

"Buffy," he urged gently, "what happened in Scotland?"

Buffy lowered her gaze. She was mortified at her little outburst, but at the same time relieved. She felt like she had lifted a fraction of whatever was weighing on her heart. She considered ridding herself of the rest, here and now. She had wanted to talk about what had happened for so long, but fear of being judged the way her friends had judged her had prevented her from doing so. Even Giles hadn't seemed to take her side, even though he supported her. She was afraid that if she told Angel, he would think less of her in some way, and she couldn't bear that, not from him.

She lifted her head to look into Angel's eyes, her own displaying all of the vulnerability she was feeling. His look could only be described as concerned; concerned, and maybe, just maybe, empathetic. She realized that he was the only person she could possibly share this with, and that if she couldn't even manage to tell _him_, her feelings would remain bottled up inside of her forever. She took a deep breath.

--

"_Just leave me alone!" _

_Buffy rushed frantically after Dawn, ignoring her protests to the contrary. Tears splattered her cheeks, giving them an uncharacteristic sheen. She pleaded for Dawn to stop and listen, but her pleas went ignored. Desperate, she reached violently for Dawn, grabbing a hold of her shoulder and spinning her around. Dawn's expression was a mixture of surprise, anger, and pain. _

"_Listen to me!" Buffy practically screeched, her voice raising several octaves. "I'm sorry this happened, Dawn, I really am. I didn't want this; you have no idea how badly I wish I could take it back, but I can't!"_

_Fresh tears began to well in her eyes. Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this right."_

_Dawn's expression softened slightly, vanishing the next second, reverting to its prior indignation. "That's not good enough," she growled._

"_Dawn, please…" Buffy trailed off in a whine, suddenly overcome with more memories. Her eyes squeezed shut. The palm of her hand came up to smack loudly against her forehead as she doubled over in pain. Dawn watched on coldly, not making a move to help. _

"_Remembering more about how great life was without me around to poison it?" she asked flippantly, her voice tinged with disdain. _

_Buffy's patience was thinning. She opened her eyes to glare at Dawn. "You're acting as if I wished for this to happen. I didn't, okay? I didn't! I _hate_ this! I hate having my life turned upside down, but it happens. Life sucks. You're just going to have to accept it."_

_Dawn's eyes flashed with hurt. "Accept what? That you don't give a crap about me anymore? How am I supposed to accept that?"_

_Buffy's eyes widened in astonishment. "I still care about you Dawn! Of course I still care!"_

_Dawn bit back a laugh. "No you don't. You made that perfectly clear twenty minutes ago."_

_Buffy was at a loss for words. She was entirely clueless as to how to rectify the situation. _

"_I didn't mean it like that!" she protested. "It's just…you weren't there. You know nothing about how it really felt."_

_Dawn crossed her arms over her chest. "And I obviously know nothing about how you really feel about me."_

_Buffy had had enough. She was tired of defending her actions to a girl who wasn't really her sister. _

"_You know what, Dawn? You're right. You're absolutely right. You know _nothing _about me. Nothing at all! Everything you do know is a lie. All of the memories about how much you were loved and cared for are lies. You didn't even exist. And because you exist now, I have to live with those lies too, or at least I used to. You know, I'm actually glad this happened. At least now I don't have to pretend that we were ever related."_

_Buffy's angered reply had reduced Dawn to a mess of tears. Choked sobs emerged from her throat. Buffy took a step back, shocked at her words. _

"_Oh God, Dawn, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me; I'm just feeling so off right now…"_

_Dawn swiped angrily at her eyes. "Save it!" she snapped. She turned and strode towards the front entrance. "I know where I'm not wanted." _

"_Dawn, wait!" Buffy called out, but it was too late. Dawn had already pulled open the door and dashed out into the night. Buffy was too upset to even bother to wipe away her tears._

_--_

_**AN2**_**: I figured I should mention some things before the next chapter. So the events of the past month are finally starting to be revealed. The flashbacks are far from over; they will continue in the next chapter. The next chapter will also go into more depth on Buffy's current feelings with regards to the events in the flashbacks. Something regarding Angel will also be revealed, so look out for that. Reviews, like Buffy and Angel, are love. **_  
_


	5. Revelations

_The moment she woke up, she knew. It was as if the floodgates had been torn open with incredible force, leaving her drowning in a sea of memories. Each restored memory fought for dominance, pushing at the edges of her mind until she was almost driven insane from the pressure. Her hands lifted to rest against either side of her head in a feeble attempt to quiet the commotion. She lay on the bed, her back against the headboard, waiting for the pain in her head to subside. She took in deep breaths of air, inhaling and exhaling in a soothingly rhythmic pattern. Thoughts of why this was happening to her pervaded her mind, but she couldn't concentrate enough to formulate a concrete response. She tried to remember all of the spells she had been subjected to recently, but nothing seemed to fit._

_The pain began to fade, shifting from intense throbbing to a dull ache. Her eyes opened tentatively, blinking at the sudden change of light. The sunlight seemed to pierce through the haze surrounding her brain, allowing coherent thought to return. She had to figure out what was causing her sudden awakening. Most importantly, she couldn't let her housemates find out about it. She didn't want anyone to know until she knew more. It was late, later than she usually slept in. If she didn't get up soon it would rouse suspicions. With these thoughts in mind, she mustered the strength to rise from the bed and walk out of the room, praying to whatever God would hear her that she not be discovered._

_--  
_

_She managed to make her way down the stairs without crossing paths with any other members of the household. Padding softly into the kitchen, she headed for the nearest cabinet to grab a bowl and a box of cereal. She intended to obtain the necessary breakfast materials and escape to the safety of the training room, but was thwarted by the entrance of Xander. She debated whether to go ahead with her plan, but realized shutting herself off from the world would only attract attention. _Xander: never one for good timing_, she thought._

_"Morning, Buff," Xander greeted casually, making his way over to the refrigerator._

_She hesitated, but only briefly, before replying._

_"Morning, Xand."_

_Her voice was shaky, but only enough to attract her notice. She carried her bowl to the large kitchen table and took a seat at the far end. Apprehension shot off of her in waves; she was wary every moment that her terrible secret would be discovered. _Small talk_, she told herself. _Go with small talk_._

_"Any plans for today?" she asked, hoping to sound properly interested._

_Xander shrugged his shoulders, his back to her. "Nah, I figure I'll just relax, run some errands, you know. Whatever will pass the time until movie night."_

_She stilled, her mind drawing a blank. The words 'movie night' held some sort of significance for her, but for the life of her she couldn't figure out why. She tried to recall a moment where those two words had been uttered, until it hit her like a ton of bricks. Every sentence, every word came flooding back to her, every detail of the plans the gang had made to assemble for a night of viewing pleasure, a night which happened to be tonight. _Crap_, she thought. _Movie night_._

_Realizing her eyes were wandering, she focused her gaze on Xander, who was regarding her quizzically. She forced a smile and uttered the exact opposite of what she was currently feeling._

_"I know what you mean. It'll be nice to have the whole gang together for a night."_

_Xander, seemingly satisfied with this response, resumed pouring milk over his cereal. "Exactly," he continued. "It seems like we're never all free at the same time these days. I think it's good that we're doing this."_

_She stared into her bowl, a vacant expression gracing her features. "Yeah…"_

_--  
_

_Luckily for her, she had passed the remainder of the day uninterrupted, free to mull over her situation in solitude. By some miracle, everyone had settled for busying themselves until seven o'clock. Now, it was six forty-five, and the members of the revered 'Scooby Gang' would shortly be making their way to the basement, where everything was set up for a night of movie-viewing. She knew she would have to make an appearance soon. She had been hiding out in her room all afternoon. She thought of excusing herself, briefly toying with the idea of skipping out on movie night to retire early to bed, but decided against it. All she needed were the well-meant concerns of Willow and Xander to break her down. She couldn't afford to share her grievances with her friends until she understood them herself._

_When the clock showed six fifty-seven, she stopped her frantic pacing and reached for the doorknob, turning it ever so slowly until it released the door from its frame. She cautiously stepped out into the hallway and journeyed down to the basement, all the while mentally coaching herself to forget the events of the morning for the night. She scowled at her choice of word: forget. Wasn't that what had started this whole mess in the first place?_

_She was the last to arrive to their mock theater, save for Giles, who was leaning toward the tardy these days. Her entrance was greeted with a chorus of overenthusiastic hellos. It was as if she had been absent for months, when in reality she had seen each person in the room at least once that week. This energetic display didn't fit well with her current mood, but she conceded that she would have to follow suit to survive the evening._

_She quickly scanned the room, taking in the strategic placement of each party. Willow and Oz were snuggled together on the loveseat; Faith and Robin had taken the easy chair hostage, Faith perched on Robin's lap; Xander and Dawn took up two seats on the couch. That left one seat on the couch and a comfy chair available. She figured the chair was meant for Giles, placing her smack dab in the middle of Xander and Dawn. She shifted uncomfortably, but made to sit down._

_At that precise moment, Giles walked in, supplying a curt hello. She stood bolt upright, giving a much more cheerful greeting than she ought, mirroring the ones she had received. Dawn looked at her strangely, but said nothing. Giles strode towards the empty chair, and she lowered her body onto the couch, not allowing it to relax into the soft material of the cushions. Dawn turned to face her and reached her arm out as if to touch her, but she jerked away ever so slightly._

_"Are you okay?" Dawn inquired softly so as not to alert the others._

_"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" she responded, without looking directly at Dawn._

_Dawn, unsure, drew her arm back. "Okay then…"_

_Xander chose that moment to put in the first DVD. "Wedding Crashers" came up on the television screen, and conversation ceased. She was grateful for this. She proceeded to tune out the world, seeking refuge in her own mind._

_Somewhere in the middle of the third movie, conversation started up again. The film was completely forgotten, interest now turned towards reminiscing. Faith was telling some story involving slaying, capturing Robin's rapt attention, but she barely took notice. She paid hardly any attention to Willow's recant of her first brush with magic, either. It wasn't until Dawn began recounting the events of her brief stint in Los Angeles that she became fully alert._

_"…And I remember her calling me in the middle of the night to ask how to boil pasta…"_

_Her eyes grew wide. She listened more closely._

_"She used to say that if it weren't for me, she wouldn't have survived out there as long as she did."_

_She tried to pass it off as if it were nothing, but the memories of that time period suddenly rushed to the forefront of her mind. Of course, no such conversation had ever taken place. She remembered in great detail the acute loneliness she had felt while living in L.A. She hadn't had anyone to talk on the phone with. That person hadn't existed for her. The throbbing in her head recommenced. It was too much; she couldn't keep it inside any longer._

_"Stop, Dawn, just stop!" she cried out, rising sharply from the couch. Puzzled stares met her everywhere she turned. Dawn, shell-shocked, remained silent._

_"What's wrong, Buffy?" Willow, the ever-concerned best friend, was the first to speak._

_Her gaze never left Dawn. "You know that never happened," she replied, her voice dangerously low._

_Dawn's eyebrows knit as she attempted to process what she had just heard. "What never happened?" she asked tremulously._

_"None of it!" Her eyes scanned over everyone in the room. "None of what you remember ever happened."_

_Whispered inquiries as to what she was referring to passed between those present. Xander, something occurring to him, opened his mouth in the form of an 'O.'_

_"You mean, before…" he trailed off, nodding his head in Dawn's direction._

_She exhaled roughly, her frustration evident. "Yes, before Dawn. What else would I be referring to?"_

_"But this was never a problem before," Dawn interjected meekly._

_"Yeah," Willow added, "since we couldn't remember the old memories, we just sort of accepted the new ones."_

_She directed her gaze to the floor, shuffling her feet ever so slightly. "Maybe I remember."_

_There was a collective gasp throughout the room. Giles rose from his chair and took a pace forward._

_"When did this happen?" he asked softly, just barely touching her shoulder._

_She kept her gaze trained on the wooden floor. "This morning."_

_Oz tentatively raised his hand, indicating his desire to speak. "So what does this mean, exactly?"_

_"I don't know." She lifted her gaze to Dawn once more. "All I know is that I can't stand hearing the false version of events anymore."_

_Dawn's voice was shaky as she spoke. "They're not false to me. They're real. They're all I know. And what I know is that I helped you through that difficult time in your life."_

_It was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. Old forgotten feelings rose to the surface, and she couldn't help but lash out._

_"No, you didn't! I was all alone in L.A. All alone! It was one of the scariest times in my life, and there was nobody I could talk to. I had _no one_!"_

_She took a calming breath. "So don't sit there and pretend that you're some big hero for being there for me when we both know it isn't true."_

_With this, Faith stood up and held her arms out, signaling for everyone to stop. "Okay," she said, dragging out the syllables. "Why don't we all calm down for a second here? I mean, come on, B," she continued, turning to Buffy. "It's not the kid's fault our memories were screwed with. It was those monks who did the job."_

_She looked at Faith, angered. "What do you know about any of this? You weren't even here!"_

_Giles removed his glasses, pulling out his handkerchief. "She does have a point, Buffy."_

_She spun to face Giles, incredulous. "Why is everyone always babying Dawn? The last I checked, she was a grownup. She can speak for herself."_

_"We're not babying her, we just care about her," Xander replied._

_"Why?" she queried. "Why do you all care so much about a girl who didn't even _exist_ a few years ago? She had no major ties to your lives; she wasn't your supposed sister. So why should she matter so much to you if she doesn't even matter to me?"_

_She inhaled sharply, realizing what she had just uttered. Turning to Dawn, she watched as tears began to flow from her once-sister's eyes._

_"Dawn," she whispered, in anguish._

_Dawn stood up slowly, her hand brushing violently at her cheeks. "I don't matter?" she spoke, wide-eyed._

_Before she had time to formulate a reply, Dawn had fled the room. It only took a moment of hesitation for her to follow in her footsteps. "Dawn!" she called frantically, running up the basement steps in hot pursuit._

_"Dawn, wait!"_

_--  
_

"And that was the last time I saw her," she finished, wiping away the remainder of her tears. "You must think I'm horrible."

Angel took her outstretched hand in his, his eyes boring into her. "I think no such thing," he stated forcefully, leaving no room for doubt.

Buffy shook her head, still uncertain. "I pretty much told her to her face that I didn't give a crap about her, and I haven't even tried to look for her since then." She lowered her eyes.

Angel sighed, not knowing how to reassure her. "Look at me," he demanded, waiting until she did so. "You are the furthest thing from horrible, and nothing you could ever do would change my opinion of you. As for what you just told me, I understand where you're coming from. You had just gotten your memory back; you were overwhelmed… Your reaction was perfectly normal."

Buffy bit her bottom lip nervously and began tugging it back and forth. "Well, when you put it that way…"

"And you're absolutely right," he went on. "Dawn didn't exist for you back then, and it would be wrong to pretend otherwise. Messing with memories is never right."

He went quiet, looking away from Buffy. She tilted her head, puzzled as to his sudden shift in demeanor. She didn't have much time to reflect on it, however; Angel was speaking again.

"Do you have any theories as to why you suddenly remember everything?"

"Giles thinks that I got so powerful that the magic binding my memories couldn't hold up," she answered.

Angel nodded. "Could be."

A waitress made her way over to their table carrying two plates of food. _She must have taken our orders while I was talking_, Buffy figured. _I must have been so distracted that Angel ordered for me_.

Buffy watched as the waitress set the plates down in front of them, noting that Angel had ordered for himself as well._ I guess he's eating after all_, she mused.

It was as if the word 'eating' had triggered a grand revelation. Little things that she had noticed over the course of the evening began to piece themselves together with shocking clarity. Angel didn't look as pale as he usually did. If she didn't know any better, she would have said he looked a little tanned. His skin had an unusual glow to it. He was eating, and for all her knowledge of the undead she had never heard of one enjoying a meal that didn't consist of blood. He had asker her to dinner, which was a rare occurrence in and of itself. They had never gone on a real date when they were together, except for the time where he had taken her to the movies, and look how that had turned out.

Buffy gasped, her hand covering her mouth. There was only one explanation that would unite all of these factors. Angel laughed nervously, noticing her reaction.

"I forgot to mention," he added sheepishly. "I'm not a vampire anymore."

--

_**AN: **_**Ah, yes. Angel's human. I just had to include that factor in my story. It was one of my biggest wishes during the entire _Buffy_ and _Angel_ series that he be granted his humanity, so I have taken the liberty of giving it to him. We also get more insight into the conflict between Buffy and Dawn in this chapter. So Buffy has remembered everything that really happened prior to Dawn's existence. This of course overwhelms her at first, and she lashes out at Dawn unintentionally. She's confused, she doesn't know what to make of what has happened to her, and so she says that Dawn doesn't matter to her anymore. Whether this is true or not, we'll see. **

**The altered memories is another issue I had with the show. It always bothered me that the Scoobies never remembered the true version of events, so I set out to rectify that by having Buffy remember everything. This singles her out once more. Since the rest of the gang still have their false memories, they tend to side with Dawn.**

**Thanks for sticking with me, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story!  
**


	6. Hunger

Buffy was certain she was dreaming. She had to be. For what else could possibly explain the nonsensical reply she had just heard? Angel, human? It couldn't be. Except that, in this moment, it made perfect sense. She wasn't totally without foundation; the evidence she had previously been mulling over supported this claim. Angel himself had admitted to it, and what reason would he have for lying about something this…_huge_. For that's what this piece of news was: huge. It was the object of her most hidden dreams and desires. While the majority of her being was screaming in delight, a part of her was still unsure. Angel becoming human went against all sense of logic, but when had anything in her life been logical? Look at the world she lived in. If monsters and demons could exist, then why couldn't Angel be human?

She wanted nothing more than to reach across the table and kiss him like there was no tomorrow, but she conceded that it would seem a little inappropriate given their current setting. Instead, she settled for a beaming smile, which quickly turned into a laugh, bubbling over with joy and pleasure. She probably seemed crazy, but she didn't care, for Angel, after a few moments of quietly observing her reaction, joined in her laughter with equal degrees of heartiness and surprise.

Finding herself out of breath, Buffy paused in her laughter, substituting it with a slightly more subdued grin. Her eyes were shining, her cheeks flushed an appealing shade of pink. The change in her demeanor was evident; she looked more animated than she had in months.

"Is this really happening?" she asked, still slightly incredulous.

The glimmer in Angel's eyes matched her own. Buffy couldn't recall ever seeing them this animated. It was a wonderful sensation.

"That's exactly what I said when it happened," he admitted, a chuckle escaping his throat.

Buffy was still in a state of shock. Words kept pouring out of her mouth, sentences overlapping, in her excitement.

"So this is for real? You're really… 'Cause this is…this is _huge_. It's what I've dreamed about for years, all I've dreamed about really, and…"

She stopped abruptly, not quite believing what she had admitted. She might as well just spill all of her deepest, darkest secrets while she was at it.

"…I probably shouldn't have told you that 'cause now you think I'm a total dork and I should probably stop talking." She lowered her gaze to stare fixedly at her hands, embarrassed.

Angel smiled in understanding. After all, becoming human had been what he'd dreamed about as well.

"Buffy," he spoke softly, coaxing her to lift her eyes to him. She obliged, and he continued.

"It's real."

Buffy's grin stretched across her face, seeming to cover it in full.

"How did this happen?" she stammered, needing to know all of the details of this miraculous occurrence.

Angel began recounting the events leading up to his transformation. It was an invigorating tale; mysterious messengers and mind-boggling trials abounded. Buffy, remembering her food, gingerly cut off a piece of her steak and chewed thoughtfully, completely enraptured as Angel told of his initial meeting with the man who would forever change his life.

"So a guy comes up to you a few days after the end of Apocalypse: L.A. and tells you to head to England, pronto, where a reward for your years of dedicated service to fighting the forces of evil awaits you. You make your way there, only to discover that it's not as easy as just giving your name and claiming your reward." Buffy said this with equal parts teasing and awe.

Angel smirked at her tone. "Yep."

"This person you're supposed to meet, who also happens to be a warlock, tells you that before your humanity can be restored, you have to go through some trials. Am I getting the story right so far?"

Angel's smirk grew. "Ten points."

"After tracking down demons and retrieving lost items, you come back here and poof! You're suddenly human." Buffy finished the statement with a flourish of her hands.

A light shone in Angel's eyes, one that Buffy hadn't seen in a long time. The last time she remembered witnessing it was during their brief encounter after her reanimation, after he had realized that she was indeed alive and well.

"It was so much more than that, though," he explained, a dreamlike quality seeping into his voice. "I wish I could find the words to describe how it felt, feeling the sudden rush of warmth spreading from the tips of my fingers to the stubs of my toes. How it felt taking that first breath…"

Angel suddenly looked sheepish. "You want to know the funny thing? I haven't needed to eat food in centuries, and my first thought was that I was hungry."

Buffy's lips curved into a gentle smile. "Common side effect of being human," she spoke softly.

"I suppose I'll have to get used to all of these side effects again," Angel mused, adopting Buffy's choice of words.

Buffy simply smiled, content to allow her eyes to roam over Angel's newly human features. She realized she would gladly sit this way forever, in the company of Angel and all of the hopeful dreams of a blissful future he brought with him. It was only after a while that she remembered that she had yet to ask the most important question.

"When did the transformation happen?"

Angel's answer took her by surprise. "This morning."

She shook her head in disbelief. "Why didn't you…"

Angel cut her off before she could finish the accusation. "I didn't want to say anything until I was sure it was going to happen. I didn't want to get your hopes up."

Buffy tore her eyes from his face, choosing to focus on a dent in the surface of the table. "Oh, right," she muttered. "Cause getting my hopes up would equal bad."

Angel began to worry that he had somehow upset her, when she abruptly lifted her head, a triumphant expression in her eyes.

"So _that's _what you were acting all cryptic about last night! I knew you were hiding something!"

She looked smug, which only served to amuse Angel.

"Wow," he exclaimed, impressed. "There's not much I can get past you anymore, huh?"

Buffy grinned, wagging a playful finger at him. "Nope. I know you too well, mister."

The exchange lapsed into comfortable silence. Buffy took a few more bites of her steak before setting her fork down, letting it clink softly with the edge of her plate. Angel lifted an eyebrow in her direction.

"I'm not hungry anymore," she declared, taking in his barely-touched meal and raising an eyebrow in his direction.

Angel was eyeing her with a hunger completely unrelated to food.

"Definitely not hungry."

--

"So, this is me."

Buffy paused at the door to her hotel room, unsure of how to proceed. Angel had insisted on walking her back to her hotel, and had gone so far as to ride with her on the elevator. He had even followed her all the way down the corridor, which they were now standing awkwardly in. Buffy looked to Angel, attempting to gather her thoughts. He was standing so close to her now, making it difficult to concentrate on simply breathing in and out. She had been trying in vain to ascertain whether it would be preferable to invite him in or to bid him farewell, but his close proximity was making it increasingly difficult to form a coherent thought. She had never been eloquent in the matter of discourse, and he was certainly not helping things.

She had just settled on inviting him in for a few minutes, and was in the process of expressing this wish, when the sudden force of Angel's lips pressing urgently against her own intruded upon her consciousness. Properly startled, Buffy took a step backwards, her back meeting the solid frame of the door. She dimly noted Angel's hands coming to rest on either side of her head, effectively pinning her between the warmth of his body and the cool surface of the door.

A familiar desire that had long lain dormant spread through her entire being. Her arms snaked their way around Angel's neck, dragging him closer to her and deepening the kiss. Their actions were fast becoming much too heated for the exposure of the hallway; this occurred to Buffy sometime whilst succumbing to the pleasure of their current activities. Without loosening her grip on Angel, she fumbled with the doorknob, somehow managing to twist it open. Pushing the door open almost violently, she stumbled blindly into the darkness of her room, pulling Angel with her. His ragged breathing and flushed complexion were new and exciting to her, and she gave herself up willingly to the fires of passion.

Angel kicked at the door. It shut with a resounding _click._

_--_

_**AN: **_**I know, I'm a horrible updater. I'm sorry for that. Hopefully the last scene made up for it just a little. ;)**_  
_


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